Famous Dead People and the Games They Would Play

Ever wondered what video games Vlad the Impaler a.k.a Dracula would have played if he were alive today? Well read on to find out!

Episode 1: Vlad Tepes (the Impaler)

Name: Vlad Tepes a.k.a "Vlad the Impaler"

Country of Origin: Romania

PSN ID: Dracula6666

Xbox Live ID: theimpaler66

Known for: Medieval Worlord that liked to "stick it" to the opposition, and inspiration for the "Dracula" myth.

Vlad Tepes was a 15th century political figure that ruled over Wallachia (medieval name of a region that is currently part of Romania) from 1448 to 1476 (with a short break in between, because a guy needs a vacation from time to time...).
Wallachia had a lot of rulers over its long history so what made Vlad stand up from all the rest? Well the reason coincides with his given nick-name "The Impaler". Every kingdom in the world at the time had head chopping, hanging, stretching tables, and other well-known and "boring" forms of entertainment for the ruling class. You see, Vlad was a trend setter of his day. Mr. Tepes wanted to do something a little different, and nothing stands up (literally) in a crowd more than some poor guy who had a long and not so sharp pole stuck up his.....back-door. No one knows if Vlad was the first to do it but he surely was the most famous one.
This torture technique worked wonders for the man as he managed to keep of his front lawn the most powerful empire of those times, The Ottoman Empire ... at least for a short time.
In time because of his cruelty, his image became that of a monster, and countless stories of his deeds reached epic proportions spreading all over Europe. His insatiable lust for blood combined with the mysteries surrounding his country made him a perfect candidate for an Irish writer's goth horror story. Bran Stoker wrote the novel "Dracula" in 1897 and gave birth to one of history's most enduring myths that was the inspiration for movies, literature, music, video games and other forms of art.

So what video games would this medieval prince play if he could, and why? For starters I think it's safe to assume that he would have been a hard-core gamer and for this reason you would not find a Nintendo Wii in his castle. Also Mr. "Stick" would surely not have bothered with fire arms in video games as he would have preferred a more hands on approach to conflict (hands on a pole to be more precise).

God of War

The God of War games from Santa Monica Studios would have been surely part of "Dracula's" video game collection for many reasons. Kratos and his quest for vengeance would resonate with his gamer persona on numerous levels.
They both got betrayed more than once, had powerful adversaries, and gods were just posters on walls not worthy of their worship. Plus the fact that you don't have to bother with morality in these games made it easier for our prince to feel at home in Sony's view of ancient Greece.
Sadly Mr. Dracula would have been a little disappointed with the developers refusal to add impaling into the combat mechanics.

I'm sure he would have posted something like this on the official forum

Dracula6666 said:

Santa Monica peasants, I demand you create DLC that adds a new weapon to the game and call it "The Pole of Penetration". This DLC will be exclusive to me and only me, if you fail to comply with my request I will impale the whole studio including the auxiliary staff and the coffee machine.

I HAVE SPOKEN!!!

P.S: I will not buy any other of your games also.

With or without a personal DLC, Vlad Tepes would really enjoy the game as so many others have and we would probably do multiple play-troughs of this triple A title.

Age Of Empires II

Ensemble Studio's medieval strategy game was a very well received title and build upon the success of its predecessor. Vlad Tepes would have most likely played this game rather than it's successor AoE III strictly because of the medieval time period that the second covers.
The huge disappointment of not finding Wallachia as one of the playable nations would have surely been overcome by the sheer joy of crushing he's mortal enemies, the Turks, with whatever other playable civilization. I'm sure that online Mr. Impaler would single out every player that liked the Turkish faction and made sure they would lose in front of his mighty cavalry. He would surely be the best player online of the game because of his well documented strategy expertise. During his time he was considered one of the greatest military minds developing such "lovely" concepts as psychological warfare and guerrilla attacks.
After crushing all opposition he would give the game editor a change and without a doubt make some of his serfs create a campaign that followed his rise to power from Prince of Wallachia to Emperor of the World.

Castlevania Lords of Shadow:

Konami's title would resonate with Mr. "Up yours". The familiar setting would somehow remind him of his home in a weird twisted way. Just like in God of War the weapons available would lack something but we would have some interesting ideas about using Gabriel's (game protagonist) cross in new and exploratory ways. Reaching the end he will be enraged by how the image of himself his portrayed as he was and never will be a vampire. And just like Bram Stoker before him, Hideo Kojima, one of the game developer's will have trouble sitting down for a long time.
Soon after completing the gama Vlad would have gone to his nearest Gamestop shop and trade in his copy to buy Dragon Age because he likes dragons.

So there you have it. These are some of the games the prince probably would have enjoyed.
Do you agree? Do you have other ideas? Do you want to see other articles like this? Let me know, leave a comment.

[Emilio_Estevez]

Great blog idea, nice read.

[Cat]

Haha, great idea for a blog!! (though I gotta say, "The Pole of Penetration"? Sounds like you're working blue :P )

[UnSelf]

cat lately i kno u must have a different outlook on ur beloved members, considering the recent threads lol. and now this

[RoninRaven]

Glad you liked it guys, there's more on the way so stay tuned. :D and btw if you've got nothing else better to check out my official blog at gamesronin.blogspot.com

@Cat
It sounded better than "The Staff of Penetration" :p

[Cat]

Are you sure? LOL

[RoninRaven]

I could go with "Staff of Rectal Exploration" or "Lance of Colonoscopy", I try not to exceed my hetero limits :))

Changing the subject, I think I'll do Audrey Hepburn next as she is my favorite actress of all time, and my choice has nothing to do with your avatar, none what so ever.....nope...no...:P

[Kon]

Absolutely love it. Nice work man

[RoninRaven]

Thank you Kon, I appreciate it.

[_Q_]

Awesome read. Keep em rolling. Maybe Ghandi for a future one?

[HolyOrangeCows]

Vlad looks like WEEGEE.

[dinkeldinkse]

Vlad seems more like a Superman 64, Hello Kitty:Island Adventure, and E.T. player.

Shit, if I enjoyed playing those games I would probably be into impaling people too.

For some reason, that picture of Vlad reminds of Black Phantom Satsuki from Demon's Souls. I hate Satsuki. Fuck you Satsuki, you piece of shit donkey kissing Criss Angelesque douchebag son a whore.