The 7 Worst Football Videogames

Note; This is a follow-up to 'The 7 Greatest Football Videogames' which I posted on here a few weeks back. If you want to read it, here's the link http://n4g.com/user/blogpos...

FIFA President Sepp Blatter once said “FIFA stands for discipline, respect and fair-play, not just on the field of play, but in our society as well”. Clearly then, Mr Blatter has never taken a three-nil lead in a game, only to have his opponent send him a voice-message comparing his footballing prowess to that of Stoke City FC. A true low-blow if ever there was one.

Like with all game genres, there are more than enough lacklustre titles to make the good ones look that much better. Here, I’ll be detailing seven of the worst offenders in the football simulation genre, games that have strived to reach the first team, yet found themselves eternally stuck in the reserves.

These are the Djemba-Djemba’s, the Carlton Palmer's and the David Nugent's of the football game spectrum, and although you may occasionally convince yourself that there’s a redeeming quality waiting to be found, a mere glance at them in action will quickly dispel any lingering doubts.

With that in mind, here are the seven worst football videogames ever to see the light of day.

7.) SEGA Soccer Slam - Black Box Games, PlayStation 2

A quick glance at the cover should tell you all you need to know when it comes to SEGA Soccer Slam. On it, a masked luchador is jostling in the penalty area with a purple shaman, whilst a robot bides his time in the distance. I must’ve missed that Edinburgh derby.

Soccer Slam, like spiritual successors FIFA Street 3 and Mario Strikers, aimed to provide a refreshing spin on the basic simulation genre, giving us a pure arcade experience more akin to a cartoon instead of focusing on realism. In it, you controlled a team of four as they used power-ups and dirty tactics to claim victory. So, not too different from the Nigerian first division, then.

The concept itself wasn’t too bad, after all, games like the original FIFA Street as well as Sensible Soccer gave us exactly what we were looking for in an alternative football game. No, the problem with SEGA Soccer Slam is in its execution, with matches generally resembling hallucinogenic acid trips all being played out in some sick, Americanised alternate reality. A Ray Bradbury conformist hell if ever there was one.

6.) FIFA 13 - EA, Wii

Before we consider that FIFA 13 wasn’t a great game on any console let alone the Wii, let’s first take a look at the Wii’s overall track-record with the FIFA series.

With its lesser hardware specs and a much different fan-base than that of the Xbox and PlayStation, it was EA’s task of making the FIFA franchise much more accessible to those who yearned for the game on the Wii. As FIFA 12 arrived, the game was stylized in a way that made it seem less daunting and more user-friendly, with modulated menus making way for an isometric world map. The game itself wasn’t that bad, but it could definitely use a tune-up ahead of FIFA 13’s impending debut on the Nintendo home console.

And with an expectant few eagerly anticipating a much improved title, EA took the incredibly taxing approach of completely rebuilding the game from the ground up, giving it a new game engine, a new style, a new-…just kidding, they literally sold us FIFA 12 in the FIFA 13 case.

“Really? Surely you’re just exaggerating?” Unfortunately not, for FIFA 13 on the Wii is literally FIFA 12 but with updated kits and rosters. Same world map, same stadia, same opening intro, same start-screen, same match setup, same HUD, hell there’s even the same in-game dialog!

A further testament to EA’s consumer malpractice, FIFA 13 on the Wii is unreservedly the Vincent Tan of the football videogame world; a smiling, waving, waste of all of our time.

5.) FIFA Street 3 - EA, Xbox 360

The original FIFA Street took the much adored series away from traditional pitches for the first time, giving us the chance to play the beautiful game in a much more urban setting.

A favourable critical reception meant that a sequel wouldn’t be too far behind, with FIFA Street 2 improving on all aspects of the original and providing an experience that represented the peak for the series. But lingering in the distance like a poorly timed Charlie Adam tackle was FIFA Street 3, the disastrous third instalment to the recently rebooted FIFA Street series.

Firstly, gone were the regular character models, with all players instead being reinvented as Tim Burton figurines that were as oddly proportioned as they were malnourished. General play was affected too, with offense given such a sharp boost that all defenders were rendered completely obsolete, games devolving into a series of rapid back and forth attacks with nothing else in between. Lastly, simplified gameplay which was once part of the games appeal only helped dilute an already watered-down formula, with the game now completely losing focus of its emphasis on street football.

A game with all the character of Jimmy Bullard yet all of the subtlety of Phil Brown, FIFA Street 3 easily takes its place as one of the worst football titles to ever bear the FIFA badge.

4.) Three Lions / Alexi Lalas International Soccer - Z-Axis, PlayStation

One of the first two football games ever released to coincide with a major tournament, Three Lions, like FIFA: Road to the World Cup 98 before it, was a game that aimed to capitalize on the fanfare surrounding the world’s biggest sporting event.

Three Lions also had the luxury of being officially endorsed by the English national team, meaning all of your favourite stars from England’s 98 side world be there, rendered entirely in staggering polygonal greatness. Shearer, Beckham, Gascoigne… Le Saux, Batty, Merson… Nigel Martyn… yeah, they were all there.

Not one to deviate though, Three Lions suffered from the same problems that blight many of today’s tie-in games, primarily coming across as a rather lazy effort that sought only to profit off of the World Cup hype and nothing more.

Already outdone by both ISS and FIFA when it came to game modes, Three Lions offered only two choices, immediately hindering the player as soon as they reached the main menu. Although rudimentary team management that we had now become accustomed to was a great inclusion, matches filled with jagged AI movement, inconsistent shooting and one-dimensional gameplay stifled the game even further, ultimately leading to Three Lions being as convincing as Frank LeBoeuf in a wig.

3.) FIFA 08 - EA, Xbox 360

FIFA 08 was the first FIFA game to debut on the seventh generation of consoles, leaving behind the PlayStation 2 and Xbox in favour of pastures new with the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360.

The parallels between FIFA 08 and the most recent FIFA title in FIFA 14 are clear to see. Both are games that had access to the brand new technology afforded to them by a new console, and both tried to innovate the series in a way that would usher the games onto a whole other echelon. FIFA 14 did exactly that, becoming my second favourite FIFA title to date behind only FIFA 09 through its updated game engine, immaculate graphical presentation and masterful replication of the beautiful game. FIFA 08 however, did not.

FIFA 08 was generally well received both critically and commercially, introducing a slew of new game modes and features that would define the series for years to come. However, it was the implementation of these new additions that would let the game down, with FIFA 08 seeming more like a proving ground for its eventual successor, FIFA 09.

Much like Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala, FIFA 08 was little more than an experiment conducted with an embarrassment of riches. And yet, if we had to suffer through the unkempt FIFA 08 for an entire year in order to get the near-perfect FIFA 09, then perhaps it was a fair trade-off after all.

2.) Pure Football - Ubisoft, Xbox 360

Sitting proudly atop many of these types of lists is Pure Football, a game widely regarded as the worst football game ever made.

Unfortunately, Pure Football will have to settle for second place on my list, adding yet another unwanted accolade to a trophy cabinet filled to the brim with wooden spoons and broken dreams.

Pure Football exists based on the principle that professional footballers text each other after a game demanding a rematch in a more urban setting. “We wuz robbed, rematch right nao” is merely an example of some of the Shakespearean dialogue you’ll have the pleasure of bearing witness to, as we’re lead to believe that deep beneath the surface of professional football exists a subculture of jet-setting world stars playing games on ship-decks and skyscraper rooftops.

It’s not that this is particularly a bad thing, but it’s executed in such a cheesy manner that it’s easy to believe Ubisoft made this game specifically to make fun of football. When you score a goal, several slogans along the lines of ‘DEVASTATING’ and ‘NICE FINISH’ will emblazon the screen, whilst missing a penalty will net you a ‘BOTTLED IT’ as the game seeks to crush any semblance of self-esteem you had prior to playing.

At its core though, Pure Football is awfully rotten. For a game that released almost a decade after ‘SEGA Soccer Slam’, it plays remarkably similar to it. Matches flow like a game of tennis where the net has instead been replaced by a series of pinball bumpers, whilst a ‘Pure Shot’ mechanic allows even the worst players to rack up a guaranteed goal as a way of belittling their shoddy efforts even further.

Inevitably, Pure Football is anything but what the name suggests, having attempted to out-do FIFA Street, yet not even eclipse Mario Strikers.

1.) Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 - Konami, PlayStation 2 & Xbox 360

Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 was the harbinger of the PES apocalypse.

This was a game that, just like FIFA 08 and FIFA 14, took a beloved football franchise into the next gen, releasing first on the older PlayStation 2 before jutting across to both the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360.

Earlier, I lamented FIFA 08 for its inability to capitalize on such an opportunity, and whilst PES 2008 was critically well received for the most part, it had started in motion a chain of events that would ultimately end with the Pro Evolution Soccer that we know today.

The games predecessor, PES 6, is my favourite football game of all time, striking the perfect blend between realistic football simulation and an alternative arcade style that made the PlayStation 2 era of PES such a successful one. And yet, one whole game later came the leap forth to a brand new console generation, one that allowed Konami the chance to innovate the series using the vastly upgraded hardware now in their possession. But although PES 2008 didn’t exactly spell disaster for the series, it did sow the seeds discord that would eventually divide the fan-base and allow the FIFA franchise to assume supremacy.

Playing PES 2008 was like watching an England team suffer through a penalty shoot-out; you already know the outcome, yet you stuck with it in the hopes that everything will turn out okay. Rather inevitably though, it never does. PES 2008 was shoddy-looking, clunky and frustrating. Next to one of the worst soundtracks to ever grace any game were an array of problems with AI, defending and shooting that made each and every match feel completely laborious. A small offering of teams, a lack of licencing and no changes to its flagship Master League mode also didn’t help the PES cause, but when the game was this unenjoyable in the first place, any one change would be akin to sending on another striker in the last-minute of a 5-0 drubbing.

Today, the Pro Evolution refinements continue, with PES 2014 again trying and failing at re-establishing the identity of a series in dire straits. And yet as the prospect of another next-gen PES title lingers on the horizon with PES 2015, I can’t help but wonder if another generational jump is exactly what’s needed to revitalize the series. For now, PES remains a game truly in need of salvaging. A manager that has lost the faith of the supporters. An Alan Pardew-esque figure that is perhaps one more home defeat away from a back-page slandering and a P45.