Let’s Help Replace the Victims of The X Factor Bloodbath

Grantland – The news of last night's The X Factor massacre arrived first as a crimson trickle from a shaving cut, but finished in a blood gusher of horror that would make the Overlook Hotel's elevator blush from inadequacy. First, host Steve Jones, upon closing his medicine cabinet after retrieving a tube of Crest Ultra Brite, met the stoic reflection of Factor impresario/assassin Simon Cowell, who dispassionately drew a straight razor across the Welsh mannequin's throat. "You'll never be Seacrest, I know that now," he whispered in Jones' ear as the erstwhile emcee burbled his last, futile apology.