"Don't worry, everybody, your iPhone baking itself to a crisp is no cause for panic, now that Apple has found the culprit: the weather and your heartless negligence. Apparently you've been leaving your brand new iPhone 3GS in a hot car, and the warm sensation you feel any time you hold the phone has nothing to do with beefed up processors or inadequate cooling. Phew, glad that's all sorted and now nobody will have any problems with self-destructive iPhones they paid hundreds of dollars for. Besides, it serves you right.
Meanwhile, hapless Samsas Traum has found a problem of his own (pictured) that's sure to be blamed on some other act of god in the near future by Apple's spin team: the oleophobic coating is getting rubbed right off his screen. Apparently he has a bit of a fondness for a certain "Flick Fishing" app, which explains the highly localized nature of his oleophobic destruction. We haven't heard many other reports of a similar nature, but we'll keep an eye out for telltale Tap Tap Revenge markings on the iPhones of our rhythm-addled loved ones."