Xbox One to feature go-faster stripes [Satire]

With the news that the Xbox One will be getting a 53MHz bump to its GPU speed having failed to impress gamers, an increasingly frantic Microsoft today revealed that the console would also feature go-faster stripes.

[pedrof93]

Seems legit.

[Cam977]

It's fake. All of this website's articles are fake and it's stupid, not funny. I mean come on: "Rockstar confident only 19% of GTA:V players will commit murder".

Why does this site even get approved?!

[shoddy]

The stripe is part of smoke and mirror

[crxss]

I heard from a legitimate source that the xbox one has a muffler now as well

[JP1369]

Do you not understand the concept of satire? We're meant to understand they're not being serious, you don't need to explain it to us.

[aceitman]

on a different note it seems the ps4 has the high strips while x1 has the low strips at gamestop. x1 preorders capped at 40 , and ps4 at 140 and still taken in more. from my gamestop. in nj I know the manager there , he said hes surprised how many sony are pumping out and he said a sony rep said sony is not playing next gen there in it to win it big time .

[RyuCloudStrife]

take it easy dude enjoy life

[gaffyh]

Can we please get rid of this satire shit? It's not funny, it's just trolling for hits under the guise of "satire".

[delicia]

This is NEWS 4 gamers, but suddenly, users are not aware of that. No wonder this site's been nothing but stupid articles and no game updates lately.

[overrated44]

Because it's satire, people enjoy reading The Onion due to the ridiculousness. Maybe you should take things less seriously and try to laugh. I think there are enough people out there fighting this moronic "console war" for you to put down your gun for a day.

[pixelsword]

An extra 53 Mhz boost AND stripes?

Day one!

lol

;)

[Dagobert]

Fact: Your at 50% agree and 50% disagree's. Thought I'd mention the obvious.

[bobtheimpaler]

ROFL. Do you seriously not have a sense of humour?

[fr0sty]

I guess Cam has never heard of satire. Honestly I think we need more of that in gaming news. So much of what goes on in this industry is worthy of a little mockery, and more importantly many of the people around here seem like they could use a good laugh.

[Kryptix]

Microsoft's thoughts:
http://memecrunch.com/meme/...

Xbox One supporter's interpretation:
http://i.qkme.me/3q81bo.jpg

[cesuf]

if it had a spoiler and duel exhaust, Id pre-order 5!

[ThanatosDMC]

This upgrade, just like the cloud, will make Xbone be able to reach 10 billion teraflops.

[malokevi]

Aaaaaannnndddd this is the hottest article on N4G.

Confirming my suspicion and validating my beliefs. Thanks, N4P!

[shadowst17]

Probably the same reason why The Onion is? it's hit and miss but some can be good for a laugh.

[zpoc]

here's another statement for you to unravel and explain to the world:

Super Genius internet commenter deftly surmises that article clearly labeled 'satire' is indeed "fake".

[360ICE]

Someone get this guy a Nobel's prize in physics.

[Maddens Raiders]

2 stripes or One?

edit/ ps. @Cam977 (we know it's fake, just chill a bit)

[aceitman]

so can I safely say sony can make theres go faster too and bump up the gpu

[cesuf]

I wouldn't say safety, but maybe and depends on how much. The more you overclock your gpu or cpu, the more power is used and heat is created. But a small increase, I don't see why not.

[HammadTheBeast]

Tomorrow headline: Digital Foundry tech analysis proves that vertical stripes on Xbox One make it look less chunky than PS4.

[yeahokchief]

They're speed holes! They make the GPU go faster!

[TheGrimReaper0011]

Simpsons reference, perhaps?

[yeahokchief]

XBoNE: THE OVERCLOCK IT DOES NOTHING. NOOOTHING! *RRoDs*

[GamingOwl]

This seems like the gaming version of 'The Onion'.

One of the other titles that made me lol:

"Microsoft asks those purchasing 360 games to return to store every 24 hours with receipt to prove they didn’t steal them"

[Chaostar]

That's crazy, everyone knows only flame decals make things go faster

[Heisenburger]

And it must absolutely have a red paint job.

;)

[cyguration]

Well, it has to be flame decals with a super-charger, otherwise people won't take it serious at all.

[kneon]

That's just silly, stripes and flames won't make it go faster.

You need to jack up the rear end and put oversized tires on the back. Then it will go faster because it's always going down hill ;)

[GrandTheftZamboni]

And/or weld horizontal metal bars pointing backwards.

[MidnytRain]

LoL! +bubbles

[pixelsword]

lol When did this thread turn into a Hillbilly physics class?

[golding89]

Nice. sounds good to me

[Insomnia_84]

LOL

[xtremexx]

the stripes add another 53mhz to it.

[cyguration]

55mhz, to be exact.

[PeEsFour]

That could be a game changer! Ps4 sucks now, it hasn't even go-faster-stripes! LOL!

[Ripsta7th]

Ps4 has LED (neon) lol WASSUPP!!!

[LackTrue4K]

when i purchases an XboxOne, ima gana put some spinners on it...

"now wassup..."
lol...(never gana buy an xbox one)

[_FantasmA_]

You would put stripes on a grill? Will it cook my steaks faster?

[KwietStorm_BLM]

lol stupid

[Pancit_Canton]

PS4 already have one.

http://i.imgur.com/UEMKDOL....

[aceitman]

I want that white ps4 now

[Nik_P757]

Wow, I want that now.

[PeEsFour]

When comes the white Ps4?

[dcj0524]

A white PS4 to match my white VITA.

[Hicken]

That's nasty good. Rekindles my desire for that pink/white FF13 PS3 with Lightning on it.

Dammit...

[HyperBear]

LOL....

“It was a tense meeting. They were all shouting at me, saying I couldn’t just keep making shit up as I went along, that I lacked a clear vision and that they couldn’t work under these sort of conditions."

Am I the only one who wishes I was in that meeting room ;D

[Master-H]

Nice, now add some Bull horns in the front and it might just pass the ps4

[Chug]

What is this crap?

[BLAKHOODe]

Will I need an Xbox Live Gold account for my stripes to appear?

[cyguration]

Nah, but you will need to check in with Microsoft every 24 hours to access the full power of the stripes.

[Bathyj]

Red stripes?

[HammockGames]

The Jamaican beer?

Not sure if it will make the Xbone faster, but I never turn down a cold one.

[No_Pantaloons]

"Microsoft’s backpedalling could power small country say scientists"

LOL

Worth the click just for that headline. Thx, bookmarked!

[SwiftArsonist]

first of all i got both consoles on preorder, lets get that out of the way. N4G has gone downhill, all news are bashing the xbox one. all opinion based articles and they run with it. i mean really? 2013 and still they r fanboys in the gaming scene! i thought we all learned that in order to enjoy games we should at least try to get all consoles. I get it if u can only afford one but does that gives u the right to bash the other console just to defend your choice? Grow up people

[Ripsta7th]

Hey if you cant tell were all just makin jokes, we dont mean it, i think the x1 will do just fine

[josephayal]

Good News for Captain America and Turn 10

[MultiConsoleGamer]

Fanboys of inferior hardware before 2013: Console graphics don't matter only games!

Those same fans now: OMG GRAPHICS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS YOU'RE TOTALLY PWNED COMPANY I HATE!

But seriously folks, hearing console fanboys argue about which console has better graphics is like listening to children argue about who has the faster big wheel. If graphics are your thing, buy a PC.

[neogeo]

I want a coffee can muffler and a fin on the back so it's faster.

[ACEMANWISE]

Although this is just a fairytale of sorts, one cannot deny that there is some truth there.

Microsoft is a master of illusions. Much like a magician they weild the power of deception to make things seem better than they actually are.

They hire celebraties to appear at their E3 conferences to give the appearance that their console is a better console. Why? Well because people of importance play it.

They hire musicians to sing. Why? To attach enjoyment of the song with the perception that Microsoft knows how to bring entertainment and happiness.

They tell jokes, act the trend, use visually appealing cosmetic tactics to dance around the reality of things in order to make up for what they lack. Substance.

I've learned through life that this is true with many things. People who are weak tend to use their mouth. Companies who can't deliver will focus on cosmetics, convienance, and spin tactics.

Microsoft brings in 3rd party talent to E3 and provides the illusion that it is a 360 exclusive (like Call of Duty) and they stand there like they are the ones who created it. While in reality they are nothing more than middleman leeches, the promotors, or the real estate agent...all of which scavenge of the successes of others while pretending their "flavor" is what makes everything great. I've seen through their illusion since the beginning of this gen. I've always known they would fail once the singing and dancing wore off.

[Veneno]

Amen. My thoughts exactly.

[_FantasmA_]

Does this mean it will RROD faster? Or that M$ will drop support for it faster? Or that customers wallets will be held hostage faster? Please explain.

[SpiralTear]

See, satire like The Onion is great and funny, but clearly gaming-related satire has a long ways to go. It's because of this brand devotion between fanboys that people ignore the fact that these are jokes and simply complain about how their console of choice is the best.

On the other hand, I can't in good faith say this is newsworthy or worthy of being an editorial opinion on something. This kind of stuff has a place somewhere on the internet; I just can't say it's N4G.

[Veneno]

Yes the fanboy wars never stop on N4G but this community has lots of members with a great sense of humor. I've had some of the best laughs ever through members of this community. I don't think this satire is out of place here but I would agree it's not "newsworthy".

[mydyingparadiselost]

Put on a spoiler, 5 speed manual HDD shift stick and and cigarette lighter and I'm in.

[Veneno]

No cup holder?

[Sy_Wolf]

As a heavily certified PC technician I can confirm that speed lines do in fact make a computer go faster. That's always the first thing I suggest to clients when they want a faster machine.

[Rhinoceros]

keep fanning those flames for hits.

[Killzoner99]

LMAO. Is there anything Microsoft won't try to make the Xbone look like less of a fail. Racing stripes will not improve the performance of the Xbones junk GPU. I'll bet the Xbros are eating this up thinking this will make it better than the PS4.

[Ripsta7th]

Slap Yourself tho

[Guwapo77]

Pretty comical. Great job DP.

[MasterCornholio]

And Microsoft have managed to add pixie dust and Unicorns to their magical cloud increasing power by 9000‰

ROFL

Motorola RAZR i

[digitalscrutiny]

The Daily Pixel has some fantastic articles. Sadly I think most gamers mistake the comedy for trolling. This article isn't their best or most funny, but it does capture how ridiculous the news around the xbox one has become.

[Mkai28]

80 comments off a troll article...

[vigilante_man]

Was actually quite funny!

[5eriously]

Now that was the final decider. Overclocked GPU with better driver, CLOUD processing a la carte and speed stripes and on top of it all COMMUNITY policing.

I am getting a eXbone day1 for sure, Sony cannot top that.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
NOT!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What next?

PS: I forgot to mention 180' u-turn on DRM and Game sales.

[5eriously]

Now who's the idiots with the disagrees?

Oh wait the USA awoke, that's eXbone(M$) country!

[KUV1977]

The great things about go-faster stripes is that you can easily upgrade you X-Box 360 and PS3 and even the WiiU right now. Finally low frame rates will be a thing of the past.

[a08andan]

Yes, cause it is on the highway to hell? Naa just kiddin. Anything to pimp your console is nice :)

[quenomamen]

satire[ sat-ahyuhr ]
noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

Apparantly sone of you don't know what it means.

[hazelamy]

stripes, pah, where are the speed holes? ^_^

[wishingW3L]

they just wanna go fast!

[Rhinoceros]

You all let this flame hit the top of the website.

*shakes head*

[MotherLight]

The only reason I don't find sites like this too amusing is because people are too stupid to know better. Most of them believe this stuff and turn into a shit blizzard.

You hear that Randy? The way the shit clings to the air boy? It's a shit blizzard!

I think this being a top article in N4G right now with its heat rating speaks for exactly what I mean.

[-Gespenst-]

Do we really have to label satirical articles "[satire]" now? That kind of takes away from it a bit. I think it'd be better for people to just use their brains. That or wait for someone in the comments section to make it known that it's satire.

[Rhinoceros]

It's not top cuz people misunderstand, it's top cuz N4G is a Sony community no question about it.

[ajax17]

I hate it when dumb opinion pieces like this go over 500°

[corvusmd]

I actually like the XB1 and am planning to get one, but I would give MS huge props if they did this and poked fun at themselves....then maybe write something like "853hp"

[TemplarDante]

I heard MS is dropping the suspension, slapping
22inch rims on the thing. Throwing candy paint
on it, tinting its windows, adding a killer sound
system and telling everybody the upgrades are
going to make it faster..

[fsydow1]

Microsoft, what a joke of a company. Racing stripes, seriously bloody retarded.Maybe now they will leave gaming faster.

[fsydow1]

Just kidding Microboys.

[_FantasmA_]

Xbox: Pinto
PS4: Ferrari

[CuddlyREDRUM]

The Onion has much funnier stuff.

Also, if you ever put "satire" in the description, that is just silly.

[gamerben]

Can these stupid satire articles stop making it to the front page?

[JumpingJames88]

Sorry Sony, this just sealed it for me.