I don't know if you're ever going to pay attention to this comment, but I figured I'd leave it anyway. This review is meant as a joke, yes, but it was also designed to demonstrate the systemic problems I have with the criticism everyone throws at me when I don't like a game and they do: that I should have been objective.
I, personally, do not believe objectivity has any place in a review. I don't think it could. If it did, then...
At the site we do not reserve 1/5 scores for games that are unplayable or broken (though certainly the reviewer would argue it is each in equal measure.) A game can be functional technically but wholly uninspired and terrible in other departments, from art style to story to level design. Whether or not other reviewers were hyped for the game I cannot say, but we try to go into each review of ours with an entirely open mind.