Walking poodle skirts.


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4 Better Alternatives To A Final Fantasy 7 Remake

Final Fantasy VII was hands down one of the most memorable games ever made. Its graphics, for the time, were groundbreaking, the storyline was vast and deeply immersive and the One Winged Angel song was perhaps the best song ever written for a video game.It is no wonder that people want it remade, but perhaps Sony's decision to never do it is a good thing. After all, think of all the other possibilities that could exist within the FF7 world that they could make rather than tossing us a gritty reboot.


Sephiroth is the main bad guy from Final Fantasy VII. I personally believe he is the reason that female gamers started appearing across the globe because he was not only a good looking bad guy, but he had an arrogant flair of self worth mixed with a strait forward view of getting things done. But how did it all start? We never get his angle of things. If we did, it might go down like this:

Sephiroth emerges from the orphanage he was placed in when the good doctor Hojo was done experimenting on him. Wishing to escape the bullying from the other kids, he joins the military in hopes that all the fighting he had to do when he was growing up could be put to good use. But when he gets to boot camp it is only more of the same. Being made fun of for his "grandpa" hair, being called the anorexic lizard boy, people wondering if that "M" hair thing he has growing above his forehead stands for moron or maniac...and somewhere inside his head is a female voice that keeps telling him to fight his oppressors, prove his worth and bring fear into the hearts of those who hate him. Many years go by while he is in S.O.L.D.I.E.R. and it is only the friendship of a man named Zack that gets him through day to day existence. Then one day the voice tells him he is ready to meet his destiny and he makes his way into the building where Genova, his genetic mother, awaits him. In a scene reminiscent of Anakin turning to the dark side and fighting Obi Wan, Sephiroth faces down Zack and murders the living hell out of him. In his moment of triumph he unleashes a laugh dripping of maniacal glee when suddenly some blond underling drives a sword through him and he falls to his supposed death. But now he enters the world of Genova and secretly begins training to one day end the world and use it as a vessel to find a better one. And for the girls out there, Sephiroth can battle an army of Clouds, all dressed in girls clothing.


Tifa loves Cloud. But Cloud loves Aeris. But Aeris loves Zach. But Aeris and Zack are both dead. Now this alone would make a wonderful necrophiliac love square in itself, but the real victim here is poor Tifa. With a boobs bigger than the heads of most of the characters, you would think it would be easy to win Cloud's heart. But alas, he barely even notices her. In time this begins to drive her insane. Her need for Cloud, his love for a dead gets to be too much for her to stand.

Hating Aeris with a dark passion, she begins hunting down women that look like her and sadistically killing them. Then she captures their boyfriends and forces them to wear a spiky, blond wig while being made to pleasure her in all manners of strange ways. When she is done with them she murders them as well, leaving a trail of death and dismemberment known as The Cloud Murders.

You play Vargas, the newest member of the Turks, assigned to find out who is behind these killings and what is driving them to commit atrocities of this nature. Along the way you get help from veteran members Reno and Rude, while facing off against the rebel forces that took down Genova and her pet, Sephiroth. When not dodging throwing stars tossed at you by Yuffie, skull shattering bullets blasted at you by Barret and life draining encounters that come out of nowhere from the dreaded vampire wanna be Vincent you begin piecing together a story of rejection and a broken heart from a poor young girl that should have everything she wanted at her feet. Clues such as "How can he want that bitch?! She is just f**king ectoplasm now for gods sake!" begin to reveal the truth that so many are trying to cover up.


Cloud is the hero of Final Fantasy 7, but like Sephiroth, he has a very interesting background. He leaves his childhood friend, Tifa, to join the military and become a member of the elite group known as S.O.L.D.I.E.R. Unfortunately, he made a pass at the daughter of a highly influential military general and was denied the chance. To make matters worse, this unnamed general knows a certain Dr. Hojo that needs one more body for a dark experiment. Cloud and Zack become victims of a Genova cell implantation program, but they escape. They hook up with Zack's buddy Sephiroth, but then all hell breaks loose. Cloud kills the bad guy, but his troubles have only just begun.

Eventually he hooks up with his childhood buddy Tifa, who is now more breast matter than body, as well as meeting the girl of his dreams Aeris. But they decide to conspire against a big pervert in order to obtain information they need. They force Cloud to dress up as a female and eventally bring him face to face with this hulking mass of thick, wiry hair that needs to go to sex addicts anonymous. Nearly raped by this beast of a man and feeling betrayed by the two people that mean the most to him, Cloud draws inward and begins to doubt his own sexuality. He begins moonlighting as a cross dressing prostitute away from his friends until he is "hired" by none other than the ship captain Cid who discovers Cloud's secret. Can Cloud pull himself together enough to watch the girl he lives and breathes for get back punctured by Sephiroth's blade? Or will he fall into a dark ride into the gutters of Gaia to die a drug addled, transgendered mess that could have been avoided were it not for two very mean females? The choice is up to you.


Chocobo racing was only a small part of the FF7 game, and yet it had a huge effect on the gamers who owned it. Not only could you race these enormous birds against one another, but you could actually breed them in hopes of getting the rare and sought after Golden Chocobo that was guaranteed to win you every race you entered. Hours were spent just thinking about what could come as you bred and rebred your chocobos, neigh even a thought as to how that black one somehow came from two yellow ones. (And hopefully not about how female birds breed and poo from the same place).

Now not only can you race chocobos on a variety of trap filled racetracks, you can do back door dealings to make your chocobo even greater. Metho Greens that make your chocobo much faster but have a chance of killing them outright during the middle of the race, (which would get you banned from a particular track for life), and the extremely rare G-Cell DNA that makes your chocobo meaner, more aggressive and dominant as well as being the only way to breed a white, one winged chocobo are just a sample of what you have to work with. Forget general breeding practices. You now have a laboratory at your disposal and you can genetically create your racing birds. Win games to raise the funds you need to grow better and better birds and eventually dominate the Chocobo Athletic Association. Perhaps you might get lucky and stumble upon the serum that makes a rainbow colored bird that the others fear to go near, even slowing down and running the other way to keep out of their genital loving gaze. Only one sample of it, the Don't Ask don't Tell vial, is known to exist. But if it was made once, it can be made again, right?

In the end we dream of reliving the glory days of our favorite video games, hoping just for an upgrade in graphics and to see them actually talking, rather than word bubbles clogging up the screen. But as you often see in the movies, a remake generally does great injustices to what we so fondly love and leaves us wishing that the memory of such wonderfulness had not been tainted. If a storyline is too good to be remade, perhaps it is wise to look around, above, under and within that storyline and find even greater gems that are hidden there. A diamond can be beautiful to the naked eye, but look at one in the microscope and you see a world of beauty that you didn't even know existed. And I feel that is where Sony should look to answer the need for a Final Fantasy VII remake. Because we really don't care about the remake at all. We just love living in the world that was presented to us.

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