Back in the day I was awesome. I was a world famous quadralathalete. (To self: think they will buy that? Yeah, it sounds technical enough). I won so many gold medals that I melted them all down in an effort to be rich enough to take over the world. And I would have except no one wanted to buy gold bars that had melted ribbons in them. And they smelled like cumin. (Thanks for the tip, Dr. H.). In my second athletic attempt for world dominance I took a javelin to the knee and had to retire. But I always dreamed of a comeback, and when I heard about the Kinect and it's amazing healing properties, I leaped at it like an Ethiopian on a Twinkie.
At first I was amazed at it's therapeutic properties. It wasn't like the Wii where the sensor identified only the controller. The kinect watched every movable part of your body. This spectacular advance in gaming technology had me working myself in ways I hadn't done since I won the electroplated platinum trophy in the Iron Lung competition. My heart was pumping, blood screaming through slightly clogged veins, while sweat poured out of every pore and orifice of my body. And I bathed in the bliss of it. Even my knee was delighted in my choice. But as time went on I began to realize that my goal for global ownership was being underminded by the very product I was using to achieve my goal!
There comes a time in a married man's life when you realize that your needs for the beautiful woman you have married...at least in my case...are unable to be fulfilled due to a variety of ailments such as headache, bad breath and the one time every month that you don't talk about because if you do they remember the next month and you are not suicidal enough to want that to happen. And it is during these times that a man must take matters into his own hand. So how does this apply to the Kinect? Well, being the ego driven, self centered bastard I am, I hooked my new XBox with Kinect up in my bedroom, (got a super large screen flat screen LED that just so totally goes perfect for late night gaming), and brought my crappy, old XBox out into the living room for the kids. Yes, they cried about not being able to use the Kinect, but that is the whole purpose of children. They live to cry. And knowing this, I do my part to make sure they do that as often as possible.
Anyway, I slipped my CD of "Buxom Babes Ravage the Farm" into my XBox tray and closed it and settled in for some personal enjoyment. But just as I applied my Mazola no Stick with Olive Oil I realized that something very odd was happening. My Kinect that I had on a shelf above my T.V. had made a noise. A strange mechanical noise. I glanced up and saw with great horror that IT WAS LOOKING DOWN AT ME! And not only was it looking at me, I noticed that in the bottom right hand corner of my television screen there was a grey box that showed a picture of me, moving in real time! This, of course, shook me a little bit. But I am not one to give up so easily. And noticing just how good I looked in that grey little box, I decided not to let this deter me from my task at hand. Or in hand.
I got back in the mood and returned to my actions and I heard my Kinect moving again. Lifting my eyes from the rodeo scene I saw the triple eyed Kinect moving again. In fact it was in constant motion. It looked up and then down and then up again and then down again. Was it nodding in approval? Well of course it was. My wife did that all the time, so why should my Kinect be any different? My eyes trailed back to my T.V. and just before I was entrenched in an odd milking scenario, I again saw the little grey box and noticed a kind of glowing, white mark on it. I leaned my head in closer and realized that the glow was coming from my right hand. My right hand that...wait...OH MY DEAR GOD!
I leaped away from the television and threw on all my clothing, then ran out and made myself a cup of warm milk with those little teddy bear marshmallows because that is just how an evil villain like me rolls. Eventually my nerves calmed down and I was able to head back into the bedroom. But I couldn't shake the feeling of being visually violated. I curled up in the fetal position next to my wife and did my best to fall asleep. my Kinect was turned off, but I still had this feeling that it was keeping an eyes on me.
I woke the next day and turned on my XBox and slid in a game because screw the kids and how hungry they are, I need to find a new weapon in Borderlands and own the hell out of it before Borderlands 2 comes out. Hearing the children crying in miserable starvation, my wife woke up to take care of the problem. She began to change from her evening wear into her day wear when the previous night's events came flooding back into my conscious mind. Half naked I leaped upon her, our blanket in my hands covering her as we toppled onto the bed.
"Stop woman!" I screamed, my eyes huge and reminiscent of the photo of Charlie Manson when he was being taken into custody. I raised one quivering finger and pointed at the Kinect.
"It....it's WATCHING us!" I stammered out.
"Well of course it is." She replied nonchalantly. "That is what it is suppose to do."
"Yes," I murmurred, "but you are naked. It is watching you while you are unclothed!"
"Big deal. It's not like I'm masturbating or anything." She chuckled at me.
It's lucky that she couldn't smell shame or it would have hit her like the perfume my old, blue haired and overweight aunt Abigail wore. She continued to get dressed, completely blowing off the warning I had given her. I glanced at the Kinect and saw it had turned our way. I saw it's ever staring red eye and it appeared, for just a moment, to wink at me. I gave it the evil eye and shook my finger at it. This was not over. Not over by a long shot.
Eventually I grew hungry myself and went and poured myself a bowl of Weedies. (Don't worry, it is medicinal). I sat back down at my bedroom T.V. and began to eat. My Kinect again looked down at me. I smiled at it and chomped away. There was nothing it could do to me now. I was completely untouchable.
"The cereal you are eating isn't nearly as healthy as this nice, big bowl of Cheerios is." I glanced up to see an advertisement playing.
"You want to be a big, strong athlete, don't you son? You should get rid of that little kid cereal and eat a real man's breakfast, along with a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice to complete your meal."
Weedies was a kid's cereal? But wait a minute...Did my game console just tell me to eat something else? Bah, that could never happen. It was just a coincidence. But enough of one that I decided to get out of the house for a little while. So I hopped in the infamous Darkmobile, (Only the top of the line Chevy Nova. Well, top of the line back in 1982), and drove off to my local army surplus store to stock up for the coming Armageddon.
I returned home and was eager to get the alien pew pew weapon on Borderlands that I had not yet found. I turned on my console and another advertisement screamed out at me.
"Tired of driving that old piece of garbage? check out the new Lexus R4E with turbo cam boosters and digital mind reading!"
"The Darkmobile is NOT garbage!" I screamed out.
"....because a woman just won't respect a man unless he has 8,040 horse power under his hood." It continued.
"Oooohhhh..that had better be a car reference you little son of a bitc..."
"Nothing satisfies a woman like the luxury of a Lexus. Be a real man and buy one today!"
What?!?! Now you are saying I'm not a man? Because of the car I drive? Fine. Fine. I can still get something from all those gold bars. You can have this round. I'll get the Lexus and prove you wrong!
That evening my wife came home and when she walked in I saw her smiling wide. I took the groceries from her and set them on the counter and she came behind me and slid her arms around my waist.
"You finally got rid of that piece of crap you liked to drive." She whispered in my ear. "And I like what you replaced it with."
"I just upgraded the Darkmobile, wife." I grumbled. "this one has more horsepower. 8040 horsepower to be precise. I can't achieve world domination without giving into technology here and there."
"I love the upgrade, dear." She replied, her hands slithering up under my shirt. "I like a man who isn't afraid to make bold choices."
The conversation continued for a few more minutes and then led back into the bedroom. Things got steamy between us and just as things were getting really involved, I heard the channel on my T.V. change.
"Trojan man!" the speakers blared out. I froze. I slowly glanced back at my television.
"Are you a Trojan man?"
Gah! I got up and went to my sock drawer and grabbed up a Lifestyles and started walking back to the bed.
"Trojan condoms are 285% less likely to break."
Double gah! I walked back to the drawer and sifted through all the goodies I had stashed in there and found the one lone Trojan. then I returned to my wife.
After all was said and done, I dropped into my game chair, tired but determined to get that damned gun I'd been wanting.
"Red Bull knows how to perk you up after a strenuous work out. Red Bull gives you wiings!"
I plopped my face into my hands. How was I suppose to defeat this technological terror I brought into my life?
"Zymbalta can help you with that depression. Before long you will feel better about yourself, be more productive at your job and find you have plenty of time for the kid."
"But I don't want plenty of time for my kids." I whimpered.
"The San Demente' Zoo is having father and son day today! Half price for every father and son pair that comes through our doors! Bring a second son and he gets in free!"
I glanced up at my Kinect, my face looking like what my dog did when i would torment him with a piece of bacon.
"What do you want from me, Kinect?" I whined out at it. "What will it take you to stop this madness?"
The Kinect made it's mechanical wrrrring noise and looked down at me, and I could tell it knew that it had won.
"I will never stop, Sephris." It replied to me. "Just do as I tell you and you will find that your life will be happy. But never test my patience with your self driven antics again. Am I making myself clear?"
Staggered words dribbled from my lips like a newborn on it's first day of solid foods. "Yes, my master." I remember saying.
"Gooooooooooood." It replied. "Now, place your Star Wars game in the tray. Find the younglings. Wipe them out. All of them."
My life has never been happier. I am loaded with wonderful, consumer driven items, my wife is satisfied in everything I do, my children have actually said they loved me once. Perhaps twice. My desire to be Grand Emperor of the planet Earth is no longer a need within me. I am happy. And I will always be happy. As long as I am obedient.