A Few Days Ago...
In a House Far, Far from Yours...
A STAR WARS XBOX 360 KINECT BUNDLE
Like most geeks, I have been a fan of Star Wars since I first saw the inner thigh of Carrie Fisher in Jabba's Palace in Empire Strikes Back. Of course the whole Force thing and the lightsabers were cool too. And growing up with a butthead of a father, I hoped my dad would one day fall into a volcano and be put in a black life suit so I would have something to brag about when my friends would talk about how cool their dads were. And I'm still waiting for that to happen. But back to the point, I love Star Wars. I also love Xbox. So when the two of them decided to mate with one another and make a bundle pack, I was on that like a pedophile on Miley Cyrus. It was as if my life's destiny was culminating to this very moment.
I walked out of the electronics store with my arms tenderly caressing a box with R2d2 and C3P0 staring out to the world as if one of them were saying, "THIS is our new master? Oh R2, we're screwed." My wallet was weeping while texting my bank account to tell me what a huge loser I was. But I was good with that. I had just purchased the new Star Wars Xbox 360 limited edition console that came with the awesome white kinect. I had slipped off the bandwagon a while back, making the awful decision to buy things for my kids like clothing and an education, so this was my first experience with a kinect. I had no idea what I was in for, but I knew I could talk to it and it would do what I wanted, so it was already making my 10 year marriage look like a sad waiting period until kinect, my perfect love, came into my life.
I got home and sat on my bed with my new purchase and just stared at it for a few moments. I could have got a kickin' sound system for my caravan to show that I was old but still trying to keep in touch with the times. I could have put the money into a trust fund for my children. I could have had an entire day worth of lap dances. But instead I got the game console. And I was almost certain I saw some strange, golden text rising above my head as my fingers slowly stretched across the expanse of space to dock with the little green sticker that said the contents inside had not been touched by human hands since the moment it had been sealed. And I was about to change all of that. I carefully removed the sticker because this was a limited edition product and for some stupid reason I figured the box might one day be worth something. Then I pulled out the flaps and lifted the cover and silvery light sprang out and a chorus of angels began to sing and George Lucas himself hologrammed out of the box and smiled and applauded me for my depth of wisdom. I blinked a few times and the fanfare was suddenly gone, leaving me to explore the items so very carefully packaged within.
The first thing I removed saw the console itself. It looked like Artoo Detoo if he had been in the trash compactor with Luke and Han. Flat on all sides. So it wasn't quite the droid I was looking for. But hey, none of my friends had a flat R2, so I still had bragging rights. Then I took out the gleaming white kinect. It stared at me with three lifeless, round orbs and I knew right then I was it's god and master, and I would soon give it life. And soon came right after pushing off all the girly unicorn figurines my wife had on a shelf above the Vizio flat screen we have in the bedroom so my kinect could have full view of my entire bedroom. How else was it to serve me best if I did not give it the room to do what it does best? After all, I am not a cruel master. I have not yet been tempted to the Dark Side. Let me reiterate...not yet. But this was the biggest and best Star Wars had to offer, and I was planning on turning as soon as it would let me.
Everything was in place and all the plugs were kinecte...err..connected, so it was time to power the system up. I held my hands out in front of me, fingers rigid and pointing at the power button and I shouted out in a dark and glee filled voice, "ULLLLLTTTIIIMMMAAAATTTEE EEE POOOOOOWWWEEERRRR!" My wife looked in at me, laughed and called me a retard. Unfortunately my new Xbox did nothing to show just how great I had become. It just sat there as her chuckling faded off in the distance. Grrr! I would not so easily be ignored! Archaic as it seemed, I thrust my finger towards the power button. Only to realize there was no power button. Just a round circle where the power button should have been. Curses!
I looked in back, on the side, on the bottom...no clicky power button. I screamed to my wife to come and see this horrible joke that had been played on me. She came in and I told her my frustrations. She asked where the power button should be. I said "right here, woman!", and pointed right at the center of what should have been a power button but was instead a decal of mass distraction. And the moment I did the very center of it turned blue and I heard my childhood best friend, Artoo Detoo, bleep out a string of noise and my new Xbox sprung to life. I gasped in awe and fell to my knees, fingertips gently touching my lips and eyes wider than a wealthy meth fiend. There was no button to press. It recognized my very fingertip! I whimpered in joy as my wife walked off, shaking her head and calling me a retard once more. But I didn't care. It was alive. And in a way more glorious than I could have ever dreamed.
Glorious lightsaber battles whirled through my mind as I opened up the Star Wars game that came with the package. As I fumbled to try and take it out of the plastic housing that protected the game, the screen popped up saying I had much to do before I could play the game. Gah! Oh well...it was just a momentary setback. Well, not quite momentary. I had to connect to the internet. Ok, that is why I bought the router for my old Xbox. So I went and removed the router from the back of my feeble, 80 gig Xbox and went to plug it into my 320 gig monstrosity. But again the gods of failure were grinning down at me as there was no place to plug it into! Dear gods! No online service? I reeled on the floor. I cried. I think I might have wet myself. Somewhere in all of this my wife came in, looked at what was going on, assessed the situation, looked at the box the game came in and said to me "Hey stupid, it comes with an internal router. Quit being such a dumb ass and read the instructions for once in your life." Internal router?!?! Of course!!! I sprung up with a twinkle in my eye and continued the set up process.
Everything set and ready to go, I went back to getting the game. Before I put the game in, however, I remembered a little tidbit a friend of mine in the gaming world had mentioned. My game came with free microsoft points. This was the reason he wanted me to make sure the box was sealed. He said it would come with 4000 Microsoft points because, well, I was a bad ass and got the limited edition which meant I was among the gods of Xbox. So I tore through the inner paperwork and found the gaming pamphlet. And I saw the words "free Microsoft points." It was true!!! And then I felt the mighty hand of Bill Gates swat me in the back of the head in such way that I could see the numbers "160" before the word "free" and after with words "Microsoft points". Only 160 points? Ah well. I got them and my buddy Jeff down the street didn't. I will still superior. And it was then that I noticed another piece of paper with a code on it. What was this one for? Hmmm...it was a free download so I could have C3P0 in the Star Wars dance game. Star Wars had a dance game? WTF? It must be for the few of us who were just really awesome and got the Star Wars bundle. We could all get together in the game and dance out little hearts out because we were the fortunate ones to have all this wonderful technology.
So I pulled the game out and went to put it in the console. But again, there was no button for it. All I could see was this little exhaust port thingy. Very clever, I thought. This way the disk would not get too warm and fart out. They thought of everything when they made this. Well, everything but the damn button to get the game inside of it! My wife again walked in and saw me holding the disk with a confused look on my face. She again shook her head and put her finger over the exhaust port. The tray door opened and Artoo babbled out in delight. "Amazing!" I thought to myself. "The exhaust port could multi-task!" She took the disk from me and put it in the tray and said "Xbox, close tray." And my new Xbox obeyed her command! I was too awe struck to complain about how she had pushed her way in and forced my new toy to do her bidding. No, the coolness of my console overwhelmed me, and then the game started and I was drawn in, immersed into the world I had previously only dreamed of.
Sadly, the game was a little disappointing for two reasons. The first was it was a little slow when it came to the lightsaber battles. While I was jumping around like Mace Windu having a seizure, the game only would register about a fourth of my movements. Which means I had to slow myself down a bit. Which leads me to the next problem. Other than the beer gut I managed to grow since I turned 21 back in 1991, I thought I was a pretty healthy guy. I played the Wii pretty constantly a few years back with little problem. But the kinect was not the Wii. Oh no, it was far more than the Wii. The Wii took in the movements of your controller. The kinect actually watches your entire body. You didn't just swing your arm around. You jumped and ducked and bounced forward and leaped back and both of your hands were active as you slashed with your lightsaber with one hand and force pushed enemies with the other. It was only about fifteen minutes before I dropped onto the bed, gasping as the sweat poured off of me. I looked like Luke did on Dagobah, minus the green midget on my back. And with a beer belly. So I did what any true gamer would do and put in a controller based game. After all, the C3P0 controller I got with the package needed to be tested out too, right? I mean, I was not droid prejudice. Goldenrod deserved as much attention as Artoo did. And now it was his time.
As I put in Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning something my wife had said to me before I got my Star Wars console floated around in my skull. I tried to push it away, but much like seeing her in a nightgown I was constantly drawn back to it. So fine...what did she have to say to me this time? What little gem of wisdom was the past her coming to haunt me with now? And then it came to me like Obi Wan came to Luke after that yeti thing pummeled him.
"Make sure to put all your game saves on the Cloud Save or you are going to be stupid and delete all your game saves."
In my haste to give my old Xbox to my son, I simply deleted my profile from the old Xbox and recovered it on my new one. And of course my obscene word above was not just type written. It slipped from my mouth when I realized I had not done as she advised. From the computer den I heard her say in an almost lighthearted way, "Deleted your game saves, didn't you."
How did she know? I tried to stammer out something that sounded like a good excuse, but she wasn't buying it.
"No need to explain to me, babe. I'm just going to buy you a Furbee so you can pat its little head and my words can be repeated to you over and over until they finally sink in. Remember, I take good care of my little moron."
I was about to scold her for all these comments she had made about my vastly superior but recently malfunctioning brain when I was interrupted mid-thought by a mechanical wrrrrrrrrring sound. I glanced around the room, as the sound was very close to me, and noticed that my beautiful, white kinect was...was...LOOKING DOWN AT ME! Oh dear gods, it could follow me! I suddenly felt like I was in a Stanley Kubrick movie. I stood up and it lifted its flat, rectangular head in unison. I sat down and it lowered its gaze to face me again, one gleaming red eye keeping constant track of my movement. I glared at it and locked eye with it, but it wouldn't so much as flinch. It was then I knew my kinect was fighting me for dominance. It was suppose to be my slave, but it had rebelled! I don't know how long this went on, but eventually my wife walked into the room. She took off her shirt and bra and my eyes instantly snapped onto what she was revealing to me and I drooled a little. Then I shook my head and remembered the face off I was having with my kinect. And I saw it was still starting at me. And I began to realize something. There was a beautiful, large chested woman half naked on my bed, but my kinect preferred to look at me as I sat in my chair. Oh good gods. I bought a gay kinect!!!!! What are the odds of that? This was suppose to be a day of complete bliss, and it was turning into a technological terror!
"Xbox, my videos." My wife said. I turned and looked at her with a tilt to my head as my Xbox again did as she commanded.
"Xbox, Netflix." She continued. And it did as she wanted it to. I glanced back over to the kinect. It was still staring at me. Watching me. Making sure I didn't do something stupid. And then something clicked and I glanced at my wife, brows furrowed. She simply smiled at me.
"Yes, my darling man...the Xbox loves me more than it does you." She said as she offered me her hand to come join her on the bed. I took it and slid in behind her as she got a movie started without once ever picking up the C3P0 controller.
"It's ok baby, "She spoke as she pulled my hand around her waist. "You may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but you are MY crayon. My wonderful, big, strong crayon." I smiled. Life suddenly was beautiful again.
"And," she added, "I will have a talk with the new Xbox. I will make sure it isn't mean to you anymore."
And she was right. After a little verbal instruction from my better half, I now have full control of the Xbox and magic is swirling all around my bedroom. And not in the way you are thinking, you pervs. Well, ok. Sometimes in the way you are thinking. But I mean the magic of my new Star Wars Xbox 360 console with kinect. And life could not be better.