The Xbox One, it is indeed rocket science!
“That's because I don't get it.”
Freddy the Mouse.
After Microsoft's press conference on May 21, 2013 a lot of gamers and gaming publications took to the internet determined to share with us each of their two cents. Some, well most of them actually, are enraged with Microsoft's new product, while others believe that E3 will resurrect the Xbox brand once again in the eyes of core gamers everywhere.
In case you were visiting the Amazon forest and, after getting separated from the tour group managed to get captured by extremely muscular Amazonian women that forced you to mate with the whole tribe non stop for the entire month of May, you probably missed Microsoft's press conference. Fear not my agoraphobia suffering friend I'm here to get you up to speed.
Excerpt from the diary of Freddy the mouse trapped under the Microsoft conference stage.
21 May 2013
"Dear diary, today as I was looking for cheese, I've stumbled across this giant tent in the middle of campus. Nobody noticed me entering as they all had their heads buried into those black glowing things. I was thinking that this place had something for me inside but I was wrong. This tent has a huge center stage with a symbol of a round cheese well and an X etched into it. Now being a cheese “connoisseur” I've thought this to be the Xcelsior Brand of cheese and proceeded underneath to sneak underneath the stage. At one point the lights were replaced by this green tinted fog like luminescence.
As I was searching underneath I heard a man starting to walk overhead. The humans started making a lot of noise. As he walked he managed to dislodge a piece of the supporting structure which, as my luck would have it, landed right on top of me. Needles to say I was stuck. This heavy thing had “Arrogance Inc.” written on it. And I thought it to be ironic, as arrogance is indeed a heavy thing to bear.
Seeing that I had no means of freeing myself I did the only thing I could do. Wait and listen to what the humans were doing.
I found out that the X symbol was not for the cheese brand but for something called a console. And here the humans were unveiling the latest model which they were calling the Xbox One, the third generation video game console made by this brand. The name confused me, but that was nothing compared to what followed. So there it was a new gaming console. I've always loved video games, I find it to be the most entertaining things the humans ever made. But people up there were talking about TV. About switching channels very fast and alternating from games to movies and back to TV in the blink of an eye. Everybody was silent, well except those in the back with the Microsoft logo on their T-shirt. They seamed to love everything said on stage with a such passion.
After the TV guy was done, he was replaced by someone else that started talking about the technical characteristics of this thing. At one point as the guy was talking about something called “rocket science” I pooped myself as the wight was pressing against my stomach. Still no talk of games up there. Then the "scientist" was replaced by some other guys that started to finally talk about games, generic with a small interest for a new console games. Still the crowd was silent except the “hooligans” in the back. Then strangely I heard women voices on top, women at a video game console launch event. My cousin Larry who got stuck underneath the PS4 stage and wined about not hearing woman talking, would have loved it.
Although there were women on stage they had nothing to say, nothing of interest anyway, something about a movie or something.
Then they started talking about sports again, American sports and American TV, so it's clear that my friend Pierre in France will not need, or be able to use these features.
I dozed of for a second and woke up as the word “dog” forced my eyes open. “They are talking about dogs now?” I thought to myself. It seamed that dogs were a focal point for some game that uses the same engine as the last one with some minor modifications and...dogs...that bark and...are members of your squad...yeah.
I lost consciousness again only to regain it a few minutes later. The conference seamed to be over. Humans were busy all talking to each other. Some were saying that this new console needs to connect to the internet every 24 hours. The guy in who's house I live couldn't use it then as he hooks up to his dumb neighbors WiFi who has the bad habit off shutting down is modem when he is not at home., and was cheap when it came to buying a data plan for his internet connection.
Some other guy said that games will have mandatory installs on the 500Gb Hard drive. Drive which seems small even to me ….a mouse. And that games will also feature an unique product code that will allow that game to be played on one profile alone.
This means that the guy I live with won't be able to trade games with his friends anymore and will have to stop buying cheaper used games. If he starts to buy full priced games he will gave less money for cheese, less cheese means less cheese crumbles and that I don't like.
I was starting to really hate these green guys.
Then they said that the box while in standby, have the camera and microphone still on. Well that means that I won't be able to dance naked with my banana when my guy is not at home without some dork somewhere watching. And probably recording and likely posting on YouTube. “Freddy and the Banana” I'll get one million views in an hour. Hmmm that's not bad actually. I'll be famous. “Note to self, record dancing with banana”.
Anyway after the humans were done talking, some other humans started tearing down the structure. One of the guys found me and lifted the heavy thing off of me, mice gods bless his soul. I crawled back to my sweet home with one hell of a story to tell.
About how numbers after 360 start from the beginning, skipping the zero. About a game console that seams not to care much about games. About restrictive policies that in the end will harm all consumers including the cheese eating population. And finally about how some people's arrogance can ruin your day."