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Ask the Arishock

Good evening and welcome to the first ever edition of "Ask the Arishock" the Q and A solution for all you're problems. The Arishok is the qunnari foremost expert on all things so be confident that he will give you a professional answer that will leave you satisfied or...dead but that rarely happens.
Do you have a life dilemma calling your mind home? Are you hungry for answers like a darkspawn is for brains? Then pick up you phone and dial 666-QUNME or send an email to [email protected] and all lay you're worries to rest.

ShyGuy87 asked: Dear Arishock there's this girl I really like but she doesn't even know I'm alive, what should I do?

A: Find a big creature, kill it, skin it, then rip its heart out and don't wash the blood away from your body. The next day present yourself to this female that you like, wearing only the creatures skin and give her its heart. If she is a strong female that will bread strong children she will share the heart with you. If she refuses it in disgust forget her as she is weak.

Techy44 asked: Mr. Arishock, Mac or PC?

A: Neither, instead buy a QunGates 2.0 Terminal. It's the only computer that releases you from the burden of choice. No longer will you be asked a thousand times if you really want to open of close something, the QunGates 2.0 will tell you what to do instead. Every morning it will instruct you on your tasks for the day and you will have nothing to say about it as the system doesn't have keyboard of mouse support. Version 2.0 introduced the Qungle search engine that helps us find you in case you try to escape your duties.

Fre4kLikeMe asked: Mr. Arishock is there a Ms. Arishock?

A: No.

Clueless1 asked: Mr. Arishock, I have a serious health related issue and no doctor wants to treat me as they claim I am joking about my illness. Let me assure you it's no joking matter. I have this terrible repeating syndrome, every night and sometime even during the afternoon I lose conscience and then regain it again after 8 to 10 hours. What's wrong with me???

A: You are an idiot. I recommend jumping off a cliff or any other methods of kill yourself that implies as painful as possible way of departure from the moronic vessel you call you're body.

TheDeepOne asked: Arishock, what is the meaning of life?

A: The meaning of your life is defined by your purpose. If you fail in finding it, we will be happy to provide you with one from our vast selection. Visit www.purposeme.qun and we will choose one for you. I suggest human tool, ass licker, useless bolt, fifth wheel or waste of genetic material.

Alex2000 asked: My wife wants to divorce me because she claims that I've changed after 15 years of marriage, is it true?

A: Yes.

Alex2000 asked: How can you say that? You don't even know me.

A: Ask yourself this. Does a horned warlord from a fantasy distant land that killed thousands like you in his lifetime care about your sorry excuse for a marriage?

SpiritualTraveler asked: Is it true that smoking pot is bad for you?

A: I have been indulging in the green goddess's sweet embrace for a long time and it didn't affect me at all. I go into a berserk like frenzy when I get bored from time to time but that's about it. Oh, and I seem to lose stuff when I'm stoned to, the last time I've managed to misplace the Tome of Koslun, item which I'm still searching for.

EagerBeaver asked: Dear Mr. Arishock, can I join the qunnari?

A: No, you can not. You're insignificance denies you this gift. That and I hate your nickname.

PretentiousPrick64 asked: Arishock old boy, isn't it positively true that the current economic class system is a marvel of the modern world? Be a sport and agree with me.

A: I would like to answer your question in person. Be a "sport" and submit your address information to my email. Also be a "dear" and prepare tea and biscuits for me and my 12 closest friends. Looking forward butch...making your acquaintance.

Loans4Free asked: Mr. Arishock did you know that you could buy that dream dreadnought you always wanted? All you need to do is applied to our one time limited offer and you can start blowing the hell out of your sea fearing enemies.

A: Spam.

BrainyBoy43 asked: Mr. Arishock, if a train is leaving Chicago travelling at 120mph and another one is leaving Los Angeles three hours later travelling at 85mph, also at one point the Chicago train will make a sudden stop for 20 minutes because a cow will block the rails. Were and when will these two trains meet?

A: Dear BrainyBoy43 I'm sorry to say this but I don't know the answer to your question. But indulge me as I have a question for you: If I leave my current position bound for your address, that we will uncover shortly, and if I'll bring my trusty axe and sword that are both very sharp, how long will you have to live starting now?

BrainyBoy43 asked: It depends on how much time will it take you to get to 64 Richmond Way Pheonix Arizo......oh boy.

A: Start counting!

Well that's all the time we have for today. Thank you all for your questions and keep sending them our way. From all of us here at "Ask the Arishock" all the best. And for the friends and family of "BrainyBoy43" a word of advice, "Don't have an open casket funeral".

See you all soon.

The story is too old to be commented.
Emilio_Estevez2585d ago (Edited 2585d ago )

Kind of funny, but I don't get it. Approved

blaziliuz122584d ago

you have to play dragon age 2 to understand's a really nice blog btw

Emilio_Estevez2584d ago

Ah, it was still a good read.

Columbo2585d ago

Interesting blog.

Dragon Age 2 is awesome!

Cat2584d ago

Haha, OK I have to ask you and the poster how you approached the fight with the Arishok - assuming you did it one-on-one. My first play, my rogue talents were so poorly allocated that I ended up calling my dog and then running in a figure eight pattern around the columns until I could heal and drink a stamina potion. If that battle were a spectator sport, it would have been laughable. :( (second time it went much better :P)

Columbo2584d ago

On my first playthrough with a mage, I definitely chugged lots of health and mana potions. I had crushing prison and cone of cold which stunned or froze him about 33% of the time. That let me get some space between us and I could chip away at his health for a bit.

On my 2nd playthrough with a duel-wielding rogue, it was a lot easier. I had the assassin and duelist specializations which have a lot of high damage spells. I had to use a few health and stamina potions, but definitely not as bad as playing with a mage.

Cat2584d ago

Yeah, once I had a rogue with assassin and duelist unlocked it was way easier, but that first fight...pathetic. I looked like an idiot running away from the Arishok while my Mabari nipped at his heels.

RoninRaven2584d ago (Edited 2584d ago )

First time against the Arishock, I did it with my rogue it was interesting, he had reach I had flexibility (ME2 Garrus anyone?) No but seriously it was hard and fun at the same time. With a mage character I probably pissed the Arishock off as I ran like a coward for the whole 20 minutes it took to put him down. He probably died of fatigue. :D

Captain Tuttle2582d ago

HaHa! Good stuff! Get a good Thesaurus though.