I Am Legend: Plight of an Xbox Gamer
As I look around the various sites on this fine internet, I've come across one bizarre S.O.S message that's repeating in a constant loop. The sender of this distress call goes by no callsign yet his cries for help are unmistakably the same.
"Help. I am the last true Xbox Gamer. The Sony Ponies have taken over this site. I will be broadcasting this message on all frequencies. Please help me."
I blink in confusion as I scour more articles. From political websites like The Daily Beast to the hive of scum of villainy that shall not be named -- There is always one voice amidst the sea of dissent that claims to know the truth in spite of everything. I find this to be rather perplexing, so I've decided to live as an Xbox Shill and see how what it is to see through their eyes.
- Day 1 -
I've come to embrace The One as my true savior. I'll admit to be slightly on the nervous and edging on Buyer's Remorse but I keep my spirits high with news of Dead Rising 3. Forza looks like a joke with its static background and Ryse is made by Crytek, a Dev that came out and said Graphics are more important than gameplay, so I'm having real trouble justifying my $600+ purchase to my friends. PS3 is STILL getting exclusives and if last gen repeats itself, Sony's 1st Party Devs will win all the awards...
Still, I must soldier on. Open world Zombie game. Meep.
- Day 7 -
Not feeling good today. Two more games have been downgraded from native 1080P resolution. I've been getting mocked relentlessly on several message boards. Made myself feel better by hanging around OXM and official Microsoft boards. Most threads degenerated into circular stroking of each other's ego and I promptly logged off.
Have to take a shower, I feel so dirty...
- Day 21 -
Penello or some other guy came out to praise retail and disc based games. I seem to remember him saying something to the exact opposite effect about a month ago..
Can't remember...head feeling so fuzzy........five billion transistors.
- Day 29 -
Phil Harrison did an interview and said a bunch of things translated to gibberish to my ears. I don't care. He could say the Xbox One will come to my house and repeatedly bludgeon my family to death and I'd still buy it. I don't care anymore. The One is truly The One. I made a pun about The Matrix, heh, must remember to put that in a sig or something. Naturally, people came out in droves to disprove him...they used things like 'Graphs' and 'Facts' and even some thing called 'Words'. Those trolls are so kooky...
- Day 30 -
Curse those soldiers. I hate them. If it weren't for them and their nuclear submarines, I would have had my Always Online requirement. Curse those foreigners, I wish the military would blow up every single country without internet so I can be prevented from trading games. It's my fault! it's all my fault! Please forgive me, Microsoft, I'll cut myself in front of a picture of Don Mattrick and ask for forgiveness....when I get my Xbox One, I won't download the patch so that your original vision can be preserved because it is the true future of gaming and everyone who doesn't believe me is the enemy,
Everyone is out to get me. Every site has millions and millions of trolls out to get me. I am the only one left! Sony has their claws everywhere. The Media, the magazines, the developers, the gamers, MY MOM! They are all Sony Ponies!
- END OF JOURNAL -
Last November, a certain political party lost an election that they, by all means, should have won by a landslide. I'll not name said group but I will say that it is filled with screamers and rich, old white men. Back then, one of the Rolling Stone contributors had written a fascinating article about the declining state of said Party's mental health. He akined it to the various stages of paranoia: -
Step 1: The enemy is The Other. There are dark forces plotting out to get us from beyond our borders
Step 2: The enemy is within our borders. It is them, it is our neighbors that's plotting with them.
Step 3: Members of our faction are conspiring with our enemy. Our friends, our families, who knows whom can we trust?
Step 4: I'm the only one left, only *I* can be trusted. Only *I* am the last living sane person on this earth.
This what's happening in today's Gamer Sphere.
Somehow, in spite of looking out for the consumer's best interests, a minority (yes, given that you weren't large enough to make this horrific experiment profitable for Microsoft, logic states you are the minority) persists in labeling us as 'Sony Ponies'. It doesn't matter if you consider yourself a gamer, own multiple systems...hell, it doesn't matter even if you were solely an Xbox gamer the past two gens - Speak a word of dissent against Microsoft, you are a Sony Pony.
This group begins suspecting everyone is The Enemy. Every one is infected. Every negative piece of news is false. Every developer is a traitor. Every one is in the grasp of Sony's ever-expanding reach. Every 180 is not a 180 but a rather a 'Strategic Re-tracing of Gamer Favorbability Resultant Approach' and other lifeless robotic Empty Suit lingo.
By now you should be able to detect the correlation between them and that certain 'Political Party'. "Curse the others, the poor, the military, curse the Japanese, curse the indies, curse everyone. It doesn't matter if reality, facts and nearly everyone contradicts my opinion...only *I* know the truth. Only one news source is 'Fair and Balanced'...I just have to hold out long enough and everyone will eat their words."
We're still over a month away from the official launch, so it'll be interesting to see if 'The Lone Survivors' faith is rewarded or not.
But lest we forget, in the book 'I am Legend', the lone survivor turned out to be the real monster in the end...
Disclaimer: MightnoX is wanted for stalking several Japanese Devs across three continents. He is most certainly NOT a large Mammal.