How To Survive/Shorten the Next-Gen Waiting Line
So, you've decided not to pre-order your next generation console online. You are going to wait in line at launch with all the crazy people, and endure the bad weather. Waiting lines can be some of the most dangerous, and most boring, places in the galaxy. You have to keep your wits about you at all times or you could be murdered by a crazy person who is crazy for murdering.
So, as a person who has been in many a waiting line, I will share some tips for surviving and/or shortening the waiting line of death: THE QUEUE FOR A NEXT-GEN CONSOLE!!! Oooh, scary....
**TIP 1: Bring a drink, bring some sandwiches, bring a coat, bring your headphones, but most of all....BRING A F**KING CHAINSAW!
Yes, a chainsaw. Not to cut up people, though. Some people might not appreciate it if you shove a chainsaw into their stomachs. They might get a little angry. Instead, you just need to hold the chainsaw and rev it up every now and again. Even better if you alternate between growls and moans, and mutter about how much you hate people standing in front of you. The person in front of you will probably be weighing the pros and cons of getting mutilated by a chainsaw-wielding psychopath, and will likely run away.
Remember, the idea is to try and get rid of the people in front of you and/or make it easier on yourself while you wait in line for your shiny new console.
**TIP 2: Do you have a mobile phone? You do! Good. You'll need it for this next one. All you have to do is get close to the person in front of you, and I mean really close. So close that your nose is in their hair and if they look down they'll see four feet. Now carefully drop your phone into the person's back pocket and start screaming "MAH PHONE! HE'S GOT MAH PHONE! HEEEEELP!!!" There will no doubt be officers of the law in the area, and they'll come running to drag that phone snatcher away and, more importantly, decrease the number of people in front of you. See you in court, phone snatcher.
**TIP 3: There's a lady from PETA standing in front of you. You can tell she's a member of PETA by her fur coat and snakeskin boots. All you need for this one is one of those lovely sandwiches that your lovely mother made for you. That lovely turkey sandwich, to be exact. Just take a big bite from your lovely sandwich and begin verbally torturing her by saying things like "Mmm...turkey sandwich, delicious.", "Oh, you can really taste the suffering in this one. Must've been an extremely gruesome end", "This turkey tastes like chicken.", and "Aww, Dad forgot to kill the turkey before making my sandwich, again. I'll just have to kill the turkey and remake my sandwich RIGHT HERE!!! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST, MOST BLOODIEST SANDWICH IN THE UNIVERSE! MWAHAHAHA!!!" The PETA creature will no doubt hear this act of intense violence, become completely terrified, and run down the street screaming until she either gets ran over by a vehicle or finds a McDonald's.
**TIP 4: This next one is easy. You'll be able to wait in the queue and sleep at the same time. All you need is a pair of roller skates and a short rope.. Just put on the roller skates, tie one end of the rope around yourself and the other end around the person in front of you, a friend would probably be best for this one, then just go to sleep standing up. Your friend will pull you along while you sleep. Simple.
**TIP 5: Got your phone back from that bloodthirsty phone snatcher? Good, you can use it again. This is where it gets interesting. Just go into your phone's browser, navigate your way to N4G, find a PS4 vs Xbox One article, and begin reading the comments aloud. All the people nearby will be exposed to some of the most insane, hilarious, absurd, mind boggling logic that they'll ever experience. This will likely overwhelm the brains of these people and send them into a frenzy. They'll begin to act out what happens on N4G and it'll get nasty, especially when they begin to physically de-bubble each other. The person in front of you will run away looking for someone to personally attack and will effectively be banned from the queue.
**TIP 6: The guy in front of you will need to be wearing a long coat for this one to work properly. All you need is a stick. Just distract the guy in front of you by saying something like "Hey, look, a full moon. It's beautiful, isn't it?" When he looks up, reach your hand around him and poke the guy in front of him in the backside with the stick. Quickly put the stick in between the guy's legs from behind (the guy in front of you) and push it forward until the front of his coat sticks out. The guy who got poked will turn around to hear the guy behind him say "It's truly a thing of beauty" and will see the man's bulging coat. INSTA-BRAWL!!! And a few less people between you and next-gen.
**TIP 7: The waiting lines for the PS4 will be long, so you'll have to mess with peoples' heads if you want to shorten it. Just wear your Master Chief costume, get in line and begin talking to the guy in front about how awesome the Y button is on the controller. He'll no doubt turn around to correct you, thinking you meant to say the triangle button, and will be greeted by Master Chief himself. Just tell him that he's in the wrong queue and he will run away to find the PS4 queue. You could also do the opposite and have Nathan Drake in the Xbox One line.
**TIP 8: The final tip doesn't involve shortening the queue, but it does involve making you some money and possibly feeling good about yourself. Some of you will have a lot more money than you need, maybe even enough for two consoles. Just buy a second console in the shop, go to the back of the queue, and sell it to one of the people back there for a profit. They'll pay €20 extra so they don't have to wait in line with all the crazy people.
In all seriousness, though. Things can be dangerous for people who buy consoles at launch, and can be especially dangerous for people who attend midnight launches. It's best to go to midnight launches, and travel home, with a friend or in a group of friends. There are people who wouldn't hesitate to stick a knife in you to get your console, or the money that they know you have. If you find yourself at the tip of a knife or the barrel of a gun, don't be foolish, just drop your console and back away. The PS4 and Xbox One aren't worth dying over.