So... someone asked me to write a spoof silly thing about Halo 3.. and I thought I'd go ahead and post it on here.
Halo 3 Updates
Janine: “Today on HealthWatch- the latest strain of the deadly Halo virus that claimed so many lives in 2001 is now back and stronger than ever. Here’s HealthWatch special reporter Natasha Kensington with the latest updates…”
Natasha Kensington: “Thank you Janine- as you mentioned the virus is back, and in fact, stronger than ever with the number of cases increasing by the hour. Over a thousand cases have been confirmed worldwide and this latest strain is the deadliest of all. As you can see from our confirmed cases map- North America is seeing the worst of what doctors and researchers are now calling Halo 3. Those working on cures and a variation of the anti-virus used to stop the original strain say there still may be hope for a future for those affected by Halo 3…”
Dr. Rourke: “What we are seeing in patients who suffer from Halo 3 are the same signs from the original strain in ’01.” The virus is spread most commonly through person to person contact. We see groups of younger, healthy people…. with their friends and once one person has it in a close-knit group – it just spreads like wildfire. We’re seeing it tear apart families, because quarantine is vital to keep it from spreading. Once a patient gets the Halo 3 virus- the symptoms take effect almost instantly. Loss of appetite, patient develops a fear of leaving their home; you get these bright, young- otherwise healthy individuals- and once they contract Halo 3 and it begins to take it’s toll on the body… they become vegetable-like, in a sense. In 95% of the cases we have studied- those affected could no longer focus on anything that once mattered. They don’t want to spend time with families, they don’t enjoy going out; it’s like the withdrawal from the outside world.
In many cases, those being monitored suffered night terrors that included shouting out similar words in all cases such as “lag,” and “programmed.” We still don’t know what connection these words have to the Halo 3 epidemic. This does, however, tell us just how mentally damaging a virus of these proportions can become.
That’s why we have been working around the clock on ODST. It is still in it’s rawest form- several tests and trials runs have been done, but nothing that can be released to date is a sure way to completely wipe out Halo 3. Our goal is to have the ODST anti-virus readily available to those currently suffering from Halo 3 in the fall of this year. ODST will resemble many AIDS/HIV medications in that it will only temporarily fix victims- at least until we can Reach out to them with something stronger… something permanent.”
Natasha Kensingtion: “Now-- doctors do recommend you report any suspicious symptoms in yourself or others to your nearest hospital immediately. Symptoms to look for include the following:
-sudden withdrawal from normal activities
-loss of appetite
-poor hygiene due to lack of will to live
-no concept of real time
So as you can see Janine- it is important for us all to help stop the spread of the Halo 3 virus. Doctors also strongly recommend staying away from those with Halo 3. People should avoid parties where large quantities of people could be exposed. This – along with around the clock research for a cure- can slowly help destroy all that is Halo 3… back to you Janine.”
Janine: Thank you… that was our very own Natasha Kensington with your HealthWatch update. Tune in tonight at 6 to see the full interview with Dr. Rourke, founder of the ODST Research Center: Race for the Cure program. Up next- Chinese government officials make more arrests in connection with the recent virtual robberies of a bank in a popular online video game… details after the break.”