Get this: You play as a mustachioed, overalls-wearing man who can travel through pipes and grow when he picks up mushrooms. Your quest is to track down your brother, who was stolen by a turtle-monster named Bowler. We especially love when the game misspells his name at the end of the first castle and reads “Bowser”. Whoops!
The controls are on-screen buttons, but they’ve got to be among the worst we’ve ever experienced. The jump and run sometimes fail to respond and the walking almost always feels like you’re on ice, even when the ground is made up of grass. Maybe it’s wet grass? Regardless, one of the most important parts of a Mario game and a series hallmark, its spot-on and flawless controls, have been butchered so thoroughly we swore we could taste blood while playing.