Firing Squad writes: "Seeing as I'm often buying crap games for review, I'm used to smartass comments from clerks. You throw down money for the likes of Stronghold Crusader: Extreme and Stranger and you soon come to expect some pretty choice insults. But the one I got when forking over $50 for the new Alone in the Dark was a new one. Since Firing Squad is a nice family website, I can't print exactly what the girl said to me, though I can say that it had something to do with all of the fun things you can do alone in the dark, and a wish that this game would be just as enjoyable as what I could be doing without my, um, joystick.
Just about anything I can think of to do alone in the dark for real--from counting sheep to sweating through a bout of West Nile to enjoying a few minutes with a skin mag (which is what I think the clerk had in mind, God bless her)--is a better option for killing time than this virtual Alone in the Dark. Eden Games' revival of the original survival-horror game is a frustrating, incompetent mess, loaded with so many design screw-ups that it seems like the developers were crossing their stereotypical flaws off on a whiteboard while programming this disaster. Clichéd, amnesiac hero? Check. Obtuse story loaded up with expletives just to get the game an M rating? Check. Clunky controls coupled with a jumpy camera? Check."