LocoCycle begins with a 10-minute live-action movie featuring hyperbolic world leaders in cheap costumes, surrounded by bad lighting and women in cocktail dresses, all attending a showcase from Big Arms, a fictional military manufacturer. The host of the event, a man drawing style inspiration from 'N Sync's Joey Fatone circa 1997, introduces IRIS and SPIKE, the game's two AI super-bikes, in a drawn-out, poorly acted melodrama that incites a mantra to repeat in my mind: "Oh my God, stop. Please, stop."
As I watch the B-movie introduction to Lococyle, I wish the game would just start already. And then the game starts, and I take that last part back.