Friends and loved ones, we have gathered here today to celebrate the joining of Player 1 and Player 2 in the bonds of broly matrimony. In these days of online games and randomly assigned partners, this agreement to enter co-op is not to be taken lightly. The choice of partner can mean the difference between a perfect run and lying broken on the rocks of Legendary difficulty.
But like anything worth having, this sacred bond requires effort to maintain. Both sides need the utmost devotion to uphold the basic tenets of Enjoyment, Completeness, Protection, Expression, and Fruitfulness, created in the hallowed halls of 1980s arcades, or else suffer ostracism and labeling as a “total wanker.”
Come, faithful. Take heed of the words in the Holy Instruction Manual and understand what these tenets truly mean.